In the summer time, when the weather is fine…

In case you hadn’t noticed, Summer is finally here. Took bloody long enough, but finally the British public can get their pasty legs out and burn their t-shirt marks firmly into their arms and backs for the summer -  yippee!!

Chris and I started our summer off with a cheeky pub dinner at The Royal Standard, a favourite place of ours to sit in the garden and relax. There weren’t too many wasps either, so I didn’t do my crazy ‘i’m scared of wasps’ dance which makes others think: “Oh look, that nice boy over there is taking out a mental lady on a day out. Good for him doing his bit for charity.” I hate wasps, so i do everything I can to get out of their way, which is particularly difficult as they are apt fliers and I am a chunky woman with no eye and hand co-ordination. Bastards.

Also, this beautiful weather and heat has made me realise that I made a mistake on my new work wardrobe. I didn’t really think over the fact that I won’t really want my new work mates, who I need to make a good impression on, seeing too much of my pasty legs and all the dresses I bought are relatively short. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no Victorian age prude, but no one wants to see too much Casper white, orange peely leg (mmmm nice picture for you there )and even though I am trying this new thing called exercise, let’s be honest I aint gonna be no Beyoncé in the near future! So, I thought I want to be relatively fashionable, smart/casual so naturally I thought the perfect thing to buy would be a maxi skirt.

Now, men, if you are ready this and thinking what the jazzle is a Maxi skirt? Well let me tell you! A maxi skirt is essentially like a maxi dress, but in a skirt format. Now men, if you are thinking, what in the heck is a maxi dress? It’s those floor legth dresses that you may hate because you can’t see girls legs in them. I’m pretty sure that ‘waheeeey lads lads lads’ type would call ‘not good skirt’- at least in my imagination they would. Either way, I bloody love maxi dresses, they hide your lazyness of forgetting to shave your legs, hide bloated bellies and could act as a tent for animals in the monsoon rains.

Maxi skirts on the other hand should come with a health and safety warning when wearing in the office. Jesus, I nearly killed myself going up the stairs on my way in, I kept on catching it as I went up the stairs. Next stage was when I went to roll out my chair, my skirt got caught in it which left me grubbling. But the one that took the biscuit was when I would stand up, I would stand on the hem of the skirt and show my new work mates a lot more than just my Casper white and orange peel thighs. All of that plus I was aware it was relatively see through so I had to make sure lighting on me was minimal and my long top was hiding my rear… So I need to rethink the maxi skirt idea.

Now I’m going to saunter off and enjoy the sunshine without my maxi skirt. <3 Enjoy one of my fave (yes actual fave summer songs) whilst your sunbathing:

 

 

 

Diary of… a dumb customer.

Over the past 6-7 years I have had a variety of experiences in retail that have often meant I’ve come home to Chris going

“oh my god, we had this ...”

• …woman in today who asked if the nail varnishes were for men. (This actually happened twice, on two separate occasions. Try saying no without looking at them like they are dumb.)
• …tramp in today who kept on looking in our mirror (again, this happened on more than one occasion, gotta love a vain tramp.)
• …woman in today who got stuck in a gilet. I had to help her out by trying to force the zip open.
• …man in today (the day after the previous woman) who got stuck in a jacket, with the zip stuck right underneath his chin.
• …woman in today who told me that I should tell every customer the washing instruction on the clothes. Or, alternatively have a big poster with the washing instructions. (How about you actually just look at the washing instructions on the clothes?!)
• …man in today who was the size of a whale (not with muscle, imagine more, like a blubba whale), had slick back hair at the back, but was bald on top. He decided to start talking to me explaining that he needs our biggest size as he has been working out and his guns were getting big. He said this with no hilarity, he was completely serious, he even squeezed his arm. He then went on to tell me how his house had just been raided and he needed to get a whole new wardrobe and house. He then went even further by telling me that he could have gone to jail yesterday. He smelt so bad, and also told me the same story three times in the space of five minutes.
• …woman in today who had an argument with our manager and on the way out tried to push over a shoe display over at the front of the store, with not much luck. It wobbled and didn’t fall over, which made her even angrier.
• …I once went up to a larger lady, who was looking in the mens section and said “are you ok there sir?” I only realised she was a woman when she turned around. I had to serve her for a further fifteen minutes whilst I tried to forget I had just called her a man.
• …woman call up today:
  •  Customer: do you have the children’s range in store?
  • Me: No I’m afraid we don’t do children’s.
  • Customer: oh right, can you tell me which store do children’s?
  • Me: I’m afraid the company doesn’t do children’s at all.
  • Customer: Oh really? Are you sure?
  • Me: Yep pretty sure. I’ve never seen it since working here.
  • Customer: So no stores do children’s?
  • Me: No the company doesn’t do kids.
  • customer: But, I’ve seen it online.
  • Me: On our website?
  • customer: No. On ebay.
  • Awkward pause.
  • Me: right, might be a chance they aren’t real.
  • Customer: Oh right, so you don’t do children’s?

   

Bloomin’ eck there are some dumb people out there!

Diary of…. a dong.

It’s fair to say that I am fairly gullible. I never thought I was, until the past few years when reflecting back on my life I realised that I am very trusting and tend to just go along with what people say, without really thinking it through.

Example one: (all be it I was very, very young) someone at school told me that if I was left alone in the bath I would fall into the sea… I believed this.

Example two: When Chris and I went to Lanzarote he told me their currency was African Dong that had the great african killing bee on it… I believed him.

Example three: When Chris and I went to Prague he told me their currency was the Czech Dong. I believed him…. and told a lot of people about the currency. You would have thought I would have twigged onto the fact that he lies about currency. I didn’t.

Example four: Chris told me they were digging up the Rye (big park in Wycombe) because they found oil. I believed him (only for a few mins!)

Moral of this speedy blog- don’t believe a word Chris says, and make sure you have supervision in the bath.

diary of… a grumpet.

Oh christ… I have been super grumpy this week. In fact, not even grumpy- more teary.

Things I have cried at this week:

• One born every minute…. Although this is standard having a good cry at the blessing of life. To be honest, I’m normally crying at the Dad’s reactions to the birth.
• The biggest loser….. I know, I myself am a big loser for crying at this, but for some reason I felt the need to start crying after every one of their ‘reveals’ and when they got surprised by their family. There were about seven finalists and I was watching this in bed, lying down. I had a very soggy pillow afterwards.
• Coppers…again not your normal programme to cry to. This one was when an officer was talking about his colleague who had died, and he choked up. Oh hello tears rolling down my face

Along with the tears are the other delightful mood swings that Chris has to endure, which has also meant he has given me a lovely nickname – Grumpet. In fact, Chris is quite witty with my nicknames, much to my annoyance. Here are some of his crackers and other people’s nicknames for me over the past few years:

The Natty Professor : Chris lovingly called me this when I had my first op on my wisdom teeth, and therefore had a swollen jaw.

The Natty professor 2: never shy of recycling a pun and nickname, this was my nickname for my second op.

Grumpalo: one of my fave children’s stories has been turned against me in this one.

dribwheal: another new one, when Chris forces me to smile, and makes me dribble. Bastard.

Pukey:  One new years eve, didn’t turn out so nicely for me. That’s all you need to know.

Tally: the nickname I love and most of the fam and friends call me Although, I was speaking to a girl at work, and when discussing nicknames she told me her dog is called Tally…. this has put me off a little.

So, as you can see from the nicknames, apparently I am a treat to live with!

 

I’ve been really enjoying the feedback from everyone about my posts! So please keep it coming!

Why not like the blog/facebook and if you’re feeling really generous you could even share the page- wowza!

diary of a….. porksword

It seems that people my age are doing one of three things at the moment:

1- Having a child

2- Getting engaged

3- Moving to Australia

I am doing none of these. I am doing these three things:

1- Watching a lot of housing/home programmes and also deal or no deal, a programme I hate, yet I still watch it. Why do they have to be so bloody dramatic over some boxes?!

2- Making a lot of bread. I was bored so I made a raisen loaf. I used 3 times too much yeast (I didn’t realise until I started kneading) and therefore a loaf the entire width of my oven was my return. I had two slices of it and didn’t want any more.

3- Stalking on facebook. It makes me sad that the new timeline makes it hard to stalk nowadays.

 

I decided that I needed to get out more, so Chris and I packed ourselves off to Prague and I’m still full of pork and cheese as I write this, where the typical Czech meal isn’t complete without a hunk of melted cheese in and on top of your main meal, and my arteries are now screaming out for air.

When we first got to Prague we were met by a bearded man, in an extremely thick sheepskin coat, who purely said hello, shook ur hands quite hard and walked off with our bags. It was at this point we had to brace ourselves for the temperature. -17. That’s right, 11am and it was -17 outside, it literally took my breath away. It didn’t take Chris’s away though, who was surprised I had never been in temperatures below -17, unlike him, the arctic explorer who has an unhealthy obsession with snow…

I should mention that when we went to Prague, Central and Eastern Europe was going through a super duper cold spell. Flying over mainland Europe was absolutely stunning. There is something magical about snow; it makes everything look so pretty, especially when looking at it from a plane!

Anyway, with the untalkatative taxi man texting on his phone whilst compromising with the other Czechs, also texting on their phones, we took in Prague. Whilst being jolted from one lane to the other, with mr taxi man tutting each time he did it, like it was the other drivers fault, we gazed out looking at the stunning Czech architecture, along with the less than pretty blocks of communist architecture.

We arrived at our hotel, 987 design hotel, which was really great. The baggage handler (not sure what his official term is) reminded me of Igor from the Addams family. And off we popped out to discover Prague. On our first day we accidentally came across the famous Wenceslas square, the old town square, the astrological clock and the Charles bridge. These activities were meant to keep us busy for at least two days! Whilst on the Charles bridge we did see the ultimate Scottish LAD. There he was in all his glory, in a t-shirt and very thin jacket (remember its still -17 out) on board an electric wheelchair, with a huge Scottish flag sticking out of it. I didn’t take a picture, purely because he was a very big lad and probably could have knocked me out!

Also on our first day we visited an interesting art museum. When I say interesting I mean completely and utterly weird, freaky, ‘is this art’ museum. To give you an idea, here are some photes:

 

 

 

Chris and I spent most of the walk around the place with our jaws dropped, each room got worse. You may have seen this picture on the internet before which is a piece of art work outside…

 

Yes I know, I am a natural in front of the camera lens.

 

Here is a Praguey fact for you: Prague is obsessed with penises, they had an interesting water fountain of two men peeing into a pond , they had chocolate in penis moulds (and boobies) for a city that is known for its stag parties, there was a surprising amount of manhoods!

Although the meals were full of cheese and pork, the city was full of porkswords, Chris was full of beer and I was full of hot chocolate; it was an incredible place even if Chris did spend the entire trip doing his best borat impression, sometimes in socially awkward places but just saying hellooooo IIII liiiiike and pointing to czechy things, thus really embarrassing me….

diary of…. an obsessive

I’ve still got time off, thus I am writing my blog again as I need to keep it up to date.

With this time off I have, admittedly I have been watching a fair amount of tv. Now, don’t get me wrong- I love Chris. But, there are some lovely men on tv at the moment. Sometimes I don’t even fancy them, just their skills.

Heston Blumey- Thanks to Heston I have become obsessed with eggs and have been trying to make his ‘perfect boiled egg’ since his programme last week, but it’s not going well, I’m pretty sure the only person to make Heston’s perfect boiled egg is indeed, Heston. Today I gave up and just made scrambled egg.

Then there is the fabulous baker brothers, and so now I keep making bread… For dinner we have home made pizza and I enjoyed kneading so much (I’m convinced I’m going to get huge guns after this) I decided to make a loaf of bread, which I’m waiting to ‘prove’ as I’m writing this. A long with this I also love Paul Hollywood who was advising me on my baking today.

Then there is the god of all gods….. Sherlock Holmes.

Wow, I mean not only is he a fitty, but he is uber smart and, the best bit, wears really, really nice coats. I’m a sucker for a nice coat.

 

So, now that I seem a bit like a man whore (honest I’m not) here is a list of other things I find myself becoming slightly obsessed with (that aren’t men):

• Swampy. This is an app on the iphone about a cartoon croc, and you need to get water to him via different ways. It’s a puzzle game, which I showed Chris. I’m on level 3 and Chris has completed it. He aways does this, I like a game, he takes an interest and completes in a few days leaving me frustrated and stupid.
• Simon’s cat app. If you’ve read my blog before, (which I hope you have, if you haven’t, the archive is on the right —–>) you would know that I am a big fan of Simon’s cat. I do this ridiculous laugh which Chris calls my ‘animal laugh’. It’s not attractive in any shape or form and makes me sound like a five year old boy giggling about something cheeky he has done. Where as, in reality, I am a 24 year old woman, laughing at a cartoon cat. Anyway in this app, you’re simon’s cat throwing stuff at a hedgehog (yep, I’m an idiot).
• Spin class. Speedy, shouty and sweaty.
• Restaurants in…. Prague. I’m researching, going on a trip there. So naturally, instead of looking at all the historic things to do in Prague, I look at bakerys and steak restaurants first.
• A photo a day photography. Yes! I am still doing this, I can’t believe I’m keeping up with the resolution!

I’ve got another few days off next week, so be sure to stay tuned and see next weeks obsessions.

diary of…. 2011

I’m going to join the ranks of blog-ville and write one of those blogs that I will look back on at the end of 2012, and realise I have achieved nothing I’ve wanted to over the year. But, either way, here is goes.

So, 2011 was a (kind of) cracker. I love those summary things you get at the end of the year. Normally they do a montage of photos with cool graphics. I don’t have that budget. So here is my summary, in a size 12 boring font:

 

• Travelled to Bicester on my beloved M40 god knows how many times.
• Moved to H.Wyc with the man, got a new job- woo hoo!
• Said goodbye to my lovely Grandpa after he was taken ill in hospital, he is missed.
• Got stuck in a dress in a shop, felt like my body had swollen twice it’s size. After considering asking for help, I forced myself out and left sharpish.
• Had entire pint of water poured over me whilst I was happily sleeping at 1am.
• Seen two gorgeous people- Matt and Lyd get married
• Seen another two gorgeous people get engaged – Katy and Mike!
• Said au revoir to one of my bessies who went travelling- promised each other we wouldn’t cry and I bawled the whole way home…
• ….. said bonjour to her 6 months later when she came back beautifully tanned! I still try to not sit too close to her as people may think I am a ghost sat next to her as I am so pale.
• Went to le manoir aux quatre saison for my parents 25th wedding anniversary. Scoffed amazing food. I recently found the trousers I wore there and they have a huge rip in the bum, I’m praying that didn’t happen at the manoir.
• Took two pots back to John Lewis, convinced they were faulty as they broke as soon as they touched heat. Turns out it was my fault for putting them on the hob, they aren’t meant to go on the hob.
• Going to a fireworks display and having to go in a fenced floodlit area to play with some sparklers. Bloody health and safety.
• Whilst getting ready for Lyd and Matt’s wedding and doing ‘super sexy’ smokey eyes, I spilt an entire pot of Barry M’s dazzle dust in a really, really dark petrol blue all over my thighs (which I had spent ages fake tanning) and cream carpet. I screamed at Chris to help me and when running to the shower I managed to tread it in, like animal tracks to our shower. Chris hated me. But don’t worry I still managed to finish my ‘super sexy’ smokey eyes. (and we managed to clear everything away).

 

And so to 2012….

• After getting stuck in dresses and ripping trouser with my big behind I’m going to the gym regularly and have my first spin class tonight. I’m so nervous!
• I’m taking a photo a day, purely so I can do a montage for you at the end of 2012. HA! Everyone thinks this is weird, but I quite enjoy doing it!
• And I’ve decided, when I can afford it, I’m finally joining a writing class! Woo hoo!

Have a good 2012 everyone, I promise to blog more!

Diary of… a lounge pant.

 

I think I have an unhealthy obsession with my pyjamas. In fact, it’s not just pyjamas, it’s joggers and things they call ‘lounge pants’ I love them all. Especially at the moment. As soon as I put those babys on, I am relaxed, snuggly and don’t want to leave the sofa/piggy bag. Actually, I can’t believe I’m a few sentences into this blog and I haven’t even mentioned the piggy bag, which possibly,  no wait, definitely is the best thing we have EVER bought.

The piggy bag, contrary to popular belief, is not a bag full of pigs, it is a bag full of joy. It’s a huge, huge bean bag that now sits proudly in our small lounge. So, actually it’s due to the pj obsession and the piggy bag joyness that I have been a serious slacker on the blog front. Well, all that and the fact I have  a new job (I’m not a complete slob).

So, that’s the big news I had to share. I’ve got a new job and Chris has a new job! Oh that and we’ve finally got some pictures up on our walls (my four-year anniversary present from Chris). Seriously we live c-razy lives.

So along with the obsession with the pjs and piggy bag I am really settling into this so called ‘winter’ we are having. Seriously, what is up with this weather. It’s warm, winter is not meant to be warm.

I bought goretex boots a few months ago because I was preparing for the winter which will be full of snow. I have seen no snowflakes falling from the sky, just overcast days. I went into town today and came back sweating because I was wearing a hoody and a scarf- that’s not even normal winter attire. This time of year I should be in seven layers, uggs and a scarf. But no, I was hot because I wore a hoody and a scarf. So,it really needs to snow- Chris kept laughing at me because I bought these huge boots. He kept telling me there will be no snow this year. There needs to be snow, I need to be right- for once.

Diary of…. Fish guts and doughnuts

It’s mine and chris’s week off and I’m sat on a very windy Brighton beach whilst Chris is doing manly things like throwing rocks at rocks and seeing if he can indeed hit a rock. So I thought I’ll do the arty Brighton thing and update my blog. And because I’m extra cool I’m doing it on my cool iPhone because I’m so cool and hip.

We’ve just enjoyed a cuppa and a doughnut on the beach which was lovely. It was also a little strange as we chose to sit behind a lady, in velvet trousers and jacket who was trying to fill a wine bottle up with sea water. I can see no purpose to her task but she seemed determined to do it. Her velvet trousers got soaked and she didn’t fill the bottle up very much.

This was quickly followed by watching a jack Russell been thrown rocks and him doing backflips to try and catch them.

And then this was followed by watching a man being attacked by seagulls heading for the sea. Turns out he was carrying fish guts (mmmm yummy!). He chucked them into the sea and all hell broke loose with the seagulls!!

So our leisurely cuppa turned into a slight freak show.
But, we have had a lovely, if a little windswept time here. Although Chris seems to have picked up a cold this week, poor love. But when he blows his nose it’s not too dissimilar to a fog horn. It’s such a treat in the morning.

On Sunday night, after my last day at work, we headed to the midlands for some Alton tower action. Because we are such keenos we stayed at Newcastle under Lyme so we could get to alton towers early doors and beat the queues. It’s safe to say I probably won’t be staying in newcastle under Lyme any time soon. We went to a beefeater style restaurant which had lots of screaming children in. You can imagine my mood.
One kid kept on going in and out of these double fire doors to the garden, started hitting the side of the walls which was bloody loud and then left the double doors wide open. Errrrgh. Chris moved me to a different table and I became a happier bunny, especially with my mixed grill! Nom nom nom nom.
Anyway early morning we headed to the towers. Got on Rita uber quickly and then headed to ripsaw which looked like a stomach churning ride. You’ll know the kind, the one where it’ll turn upside down slowly then quickly change so you stomach flips towards your brain and you get this empty feeling where your stomach should be. So on we hop. Sat waiting for the ride to fill- the park was blissfully quiet. The young girl sat beside me was excited, and then scared me by screaming as a wasp took an interest to her. After a few mins off we go. Flying in the air. Turning once, twice. Flipping over to the other side, screaming ahhhh, and swinging. And swinging. And swinging. And a voice over the tannoy saying there is a problem with the ride and an engineer is on his way. And swinging. And swinging. And slower swinging aaaaand stop. Stuck in the air whilst we wait for a bloody engineer. We started getting an audience, people filming us stuck in the air, having a good old lol. The girl next to me started saying how she was getting claustrophobic and how she hopes no wasps come. B-rilliant. There wasn’t even a good view!! The engineer seemed in no hurry to come and after a fair few mins down we came to the ground. I swear these things only happen to me!

So I’ve had an eventful week off so far and I’ve got my birthday to come!! In the mean time we’ve sheltered from the wind in the hotel bar with a pack of ‘I love brighton’ cards. I’m praying they aren’t naked cards, that’ll be awkward to explain to hotel staff!

Diary of……wycombe, the tropical town.

I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this before. I’ve lived here for nearly six months and without doubt one of my favourite things in Wycombe is a car sales/car ash/maybe petrol station (I’m not entirely sure what they do). This may sound dull, but there is one primary reason Chris and I love this place.

On the outside there is a column with the time and temperature on. During my time in Wycombe I have NEVER seen this temperature correct, in fact it is always wildly out. For example, I drove home a few evenings ago and checked my car temperature… it was 15 degrees. What temperate do you think mr car wash had? 17 degrees? Naaaaah. 20 degrees? Nope! How about a 27 degrees! Whammy!!! That’s right, apparently at 7.45pm on a Autumnal evening, Wycombe was hitting the hot hot temperatures of 27 degrees. Tropical!

You might be reading this on your break, so here is a link to make you laugh:

http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brilliantly-sarcastic-responses-to-completely-well-meaning-signs